My Way. My Time.
Why Comparison Is Stealing the Joy of Your Child’s Development
There’s a story that says everything.
A little boy goes to music class. Every week, instead of sitting in the circle like the other children, he walks straight to a textured purple spider sewn into a fabric banner. He touches it. Strokes it. Returns to it again and again.
Other parents notice. The teacher gently asks for him to rejoin the group. From the outside, it looks like he isn’t participating.
But in the car on the way home?
He sings every song.
He remembers the stories.
He keeps the beat.
He loves the class.
He just did it in his way. In his time.
In Their Own Time and Space
There is a beautiful Māori concept often used to describe autism: takiwātanga — meaning “in their own time and space.”
And honestly? That idea doesn’t just apply to autistic children. It applies to all children.
Development is not a race.
Learning is not a straight line.
And sitting still is not the only way to take things in.
Our bodies are designed to move. Our brains are wired for sensory input. Some children learn best while touching, swaying, fiddling, pacing or even staring at a spider on a banner.
Different is not wrong.
Different is different.
Comparison Is the Thief of Joy
Comparison sneaks in quietly.
- Why can’t he sit like the others?
- Why is she not reading yet?
- Why is my child behind on the chart?
- Why does their sibling do it “better”?
We compare in mother’s groups.
We compare at school pick-up.
We compare on social media.
And without realising it, we start measuring our child against someone else’s timeline.
But here’s what comparison actually does:
- It steals your joy as a parent.
- It chips away at your confidence.
- It quietly erodes your child’s self-esteem.
- It shifts the focus from strengths to perceived deficits.
Children hear it. They feel it.
And identity is forming early.
If a child constantly feels “behind” or “not as good,” that narrative sticks.
The Power of a Supportive Village
Not all environments are equal.
Some spaces amplify comparison.
Others foster celebration.
The healthiest parenting communities don’t say:
“Mine did that first.”
They say:
“How can we support each other?”
They swap jumpers.
They share tips.
They celebrate each baby’s wins.
And if you’re not in that kind of environment right now — you are allowed to prune.
You are allowed to move groups.
You are allowed to protect your child from voices that undermine their growth.
You are not a tree, rooted in place. You can move.
Siblings Are Not Benchmarks
Even children from the same family — same genetics, same home, same values — develop differently.
Different sleep rhythms.
Different temperaments.
Different learning styles.
Different strengths.
Comparing siblings is like comparing apples to oranges grown in the same backyard.
It doesn’t help.
It doesn’t motivate.
It simply creates pressure.
What Actually Builds Confidence
If we want our children to try hard things — the reading, the writing, the friendships, the sports — they need a strong foundation of self-belief.
And that foundation is built through:
- Celebrating small wins
- Speaking positively about their efforts
- Focusing on strengths
- Trusting developmental timing
- Backing your parental intuition
When a child hears:
“You did that really well.”
“I love how you kept trying.”
“You’re learning.”
They are far more likely to stretch into the areas that take longer.
Trust Your Gut
Most parents know more than they think they do.
That quiet instinct you feel?
It’s worth listening to.
If something doesn’t feel right for your child, pause.
If something is working — even if it looks different — trust it.
That little boy touching the spider?
He wasn’t behind.
He wasn’t disengaged.
He was learning in his own way.
And he got there.
A Gentle Reminder for Today
Your child is not behind.
They are not broken.
They are not a reflection of someone else’s timeline.
They are unfolding.
In their way.
In their time.
And your job isn’t to rush that.
It’s to protect it.
🎧 Want to go deeper?This post was inspired by Episode 1 of Season Two of OT For Two, where we unpack the idea of “My Way, My Time” and explore how comparison impacts children — at home and in the classroom. If you’re ready for honest conversations, practical reflections, and encouragement for the parenting journey, listen to the full episode wherever you get your podcasts. Because you don’t have to navigate this alone. |
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Tricia Lerk
Paediatric Occupational Therapist
Director, Planted Parenting 🌱