Neurodivergent Love Languages
When Connection Doesn't Look the Way You Expect
"I don't think my child likes spending time with me anymore."
It's a comment I hear from parents more often than you might think.
Their child rarely says, "I love you."
They don't always want hugs.
They disappear into their room for hours.
They seem more interested in telling you facts about trains, Minecraft, marine biology, or their latest obsession than asking how your day was.
But what if a connection is happening right in front of you?
What if your child is saying "I love you" in ways that don't always match what we expect?
A Different Way of Showing Care
Many of us grow up with a fairly narrow idea of what affection should look like.
We expect eye contact.
We expect verbal expressions of love.
We expect physical gestures of love in hugs, or snuggles.
We expect quality time that looks like conversation or shared activities.
But neurodivergent children often experience, express, and communicate connections differently.
That doesn't mean they feel less love, care, or attachment.
It simply means their way of showing it may not always fit the traditional script.
As a paediatric Occupational Therapist, I often help families recognise the connection that is already there, hidden within behaviours that can easily be misunderstood.
Let me tell you about a child called Jamie.
Jamie doesn’t often say “I love you.” In fact, if you asked Jamie how they feel, you might get a shrug, a change of subject, or a detailed explanation about something completely unrelated like how rollercoasters work or why cats always land on their feet.
But Jamie has a habit.
Every day after school, Jamie finds something.
A smooth rock from the playground. A funny meme on a tablet. A stick shaped a bit like a lightning bolt. A random fact about sharks. A drawing of a character they made up. A snack they saved from lunch.
And without making a big deal of it, Jamie brings it to their parent.
Sometimes they place it on the kitchen bench. Sometimes they hold it out silently. Sometimes they just say, “Look.”
To an outside observer, it might not seem like much. Just small, everyday things.
But over time, a pattern emerges.
Each “thing” is carefully chosen. Each one is something that caught Jamie’s attention and was carried, saved, or remembered long enough to share.
What Jamie is really saying is simple:
“I thought of you.”
And for Jamie, that is connection.
Not loud. Not always verbal. But consistent, intentional, and deeply meaningful.
Neurodivergent Love Languages
While every child is different, there are some common ways neurodivergent people often express affection and connection.
Info Dumping
Have you ever been trapped in a 20-minute explanation about dinosaurs, Pokémon, space, trains, insects, Minecraft, or a TV show you've never heard of?
It can feel one-sided.
But often, sharing special interests isn't just about the topic.
It's about sharing joy.
Your child is inviting you into something they care deeply about.
They're saying:
"This makes me happy and I want you to be part of it."
When we pause and listen — even for a few minutes — we're often meeting a genuine bid for connection.
Deep Pressure and Physical Contact
Some children seek physical closeness in ways that don't look like traditional affection.
They might lean heavily against you while watching television.
They might drape themselves across your lap.
They might sit shoulder-to-shoulder without saying a word.
For many neurodivergent children, deep pressure provides a sense of calm, regulation, and safety.
The physical contact isn't always about seeking attention.
It's often about seeking connection through comfort.
Parallel Play
Many parents worry when their child doesn't want to actively engage in an activity together.
But connection doesn't always require conversation or interaction.
Sometimes it looks like:
- Reading separate books on the couch
- Drawing side-by-side
- Playing different games in the same room
- Simply sharing space
This is often called parallel play, and for many neurodivergent children, it can feel deeply connecting.
They're choosing to be near you.
That matters.
Penguin Pebbling
Imagine this.
A little penguin waddles across an icy landscape carrying a smooth pebble in its beak.
When it reaches another penguin it carefully places the pebble at their feet.
The pebble isn't particularly useful.
It's not expensive.
It's not practical.
But to the penguin, it's important.
It's their way of saying:
"I saw this and thought of you."
Many neurodivergent children do something very similar.
Pebbling can look like:
- Sending memes
- Sharing videos
- Bringing you little treasures
- Showing you something they found
- Saving something special for you
- Constantly saying, "Look at this!"
These gestures often communicate:
"I thought of you."
And that's a powerful form of affection.
Support Swapping
Some children show care by helping.
Not with grand gestures. With practical ones.
They carry your bag.
They help solve a problem.
They bring you a drink.
They remind you of something important.
They help make a difficult task easier.
For many neurodivergent people, helping can be a way of expressing love.
Instead of saying, "I care about you," they show it through action.
Looking Beyond the Expected
One of the challenges for parents is that we often measure connection by the signals we're expecting to see.
We notice what isn't happening.
The hugs we don't get.
The conversations we wish were longer.
The words we wish were said.
But when we focus only on those things, we can miss the many ways connection is already being offered.
The child who sends you ten random videos a day.
The child who sits beside you while doing their own thing.
The child who shares every thought about their latest interest.
The child who leans against you on the couch.
The child who brings you a leaf, a rock, or a drawing they made.
These moments may not look like traditional expressions of affection.
But they are often saying the same thing.
And sometimes, that's neurodivergent love in its purest form.
A Final Thought
Connection doesn't always arrive wrapped in the package we expected.
As parents, it's easy to look for the signs of affection we recognise. When those things don't happen as often as we'd hoped, we can sometimes worry that we're missing a connection with our child.
But neurodivergent children often communicate care, trust, and belonging in ways that don't fit traditional expectations.
Sometimes connection arrives as a passionate five-minute explanation about octopuses, delivered with more detail than you ever thought possible. Sometimes it's a child appearing beside you while you fold the washing, not wanting to talk, just wanting to be near. Sometimes it's a meme sent from the next room, a funny video shared for the tenth time, or a random treasure placed in your hand because it made them think of you.
These moments can be easy to overlook because they don't always look like affection in the way we've been taught to recognise it. Yet often, beneath these behaviours is something incredibly meaningful. They are invitations into your child's world. The more we learn to notice these moments, the more we begin to see that connection may not be missing at all. It may simply be speaking a different language. And when we stop measuring love by how closely it matches our expectations, we create space to appreciate the many unique and genuine ways our children show us they care.
Often, we discover that they have been showing us love all along.
We just needed to learn how to recognise it.
—
Tricia Lerk
Paediatric Occupational Therapist
Director, Planted Parenting 🌱